They say that change occurs like a river, everything effecting everthing else. That's true. People effect other people. Circumstances effect other circumstances and they merge and battle against one another.

Recently I have been undergoing a phase,one of which I believe many go through but still, and in this includes circumstances which go beyond my control.

As I have stated in my DevID I've been going through a transformation and re-evalutation of my own beleifs. What is Life? What is Truth? How can we trust and "beleive" the Body and Mind, when "God" says their evil? How can we trust our own Memories or our own perceptions of Reality? How can we trust ourselves to be "good" when all of humanity is said to be "evil"? What constitutes Good anyway? God? How can he let us live in this state of confusion and dismay?

I have been brought up Catholic/Christian. It has been integrated into my being that there is some "higher being" be it God or another deity. This is fine, if that were all that I believed.

This brought me into depression because on the other hand, I have the scientist(the worldy view) of my life. As I have been introduced into the Truth Project(a dvd based program for Christians undergoing a faith based cisis) I'm thrown into what they say is the Cosmic Battle. Lie/Illusion vs. Truth/Reality. World vs God. Good vs. Evil. *sigh*

Now, I found out that I have (although not fatal, its till hurts like shit) bilateral tycts on my ovaries. This combined with the left-hemisphere brain slowing(according to doctors on which I'm still being tested) causes me to think the worst and that I'm being punished for trying to understand such a taboo subject and that I'm dying ..slowly...but faster than others. The physical me is soon to not exsist.

Then my friend's mother had mentioned that maybe its more of an opportunity. I have seen an increased in my phychological and analytical mind, versus my scientific and factual mind. but I'm not one to be optimistic.

I dont know where I stand and... I don't know who I am anymore.

Any ideas? Anybody going through something like this?

well...*sigh*

rant over,
Tashi